pussygalore

I don’t know that my husband of 7 months has physically cheated, but I do know he has cheated via text and email. 

He wanted a threesome or soft swap.  This was his ultimate fantasy.  I tried the threesome for him…I didn’t like it.  I think women are beautiful…but if I want to play with a pussy, I will play with my own. 

My husband texted back and forth with the wife of a potential soft swapping couple that he found on craigslist.  He asked repeatedly to see photos of her”sweet pussy” and sent pictures of his erect penis.  He asked if he could eat her pussy.  There were 54 texts in one day.  I think that is a bit excessive.  He never told me any of this was taking place..  The texts were forwarded to me by the husband of the potential soft swapping couple.  The soft swap never happened.  This type of activity…sharing your bed with another person/persons…takes absolute trust, and that trust has been badly bruised. 

Once I got over the initial shock, I was pissed and then hurt.  I cried for two days.  The threesome/soft swap experiment came to an abrupt end.  My husband swore nothing like this would ever happen again.  He would never hurt me again.  This ”fantasy” was dead.

Two weeks passed, and I placed an ad on craigslist as an attractive, bisexual young woman looking for a couple to play with.  He took the bait almost immediately.  I never approached him in any way…he was actively looking.  I was stunned, but forced myself to take each day as though I knew nothing.  He showed me the first email.  I told him WE weren’t interested.  I reminded him of the soft swap situation.  He said he would no longer surf the ads.  A few days passed and when I asked if he had heard from the sexy bisexual again, he said NO.  But he had emailed this fantasy woman several times and I/she had responded to him.  Again, photos of his penis.  Asking for photos of her “sweet pussy,”  which I/she never delivered.  Asking what he could do with her pussy and endless bullshit.  All done from the comfort of our leather sofa, located in our comfortable den…while I was seated across the room on the love seat.  I was not feeling the love.

I eventually let him know that I knew about the emails between him and the fictional, young bisexual woman.  How I knew was never important to him.  He never even asked.  To this day, he doesn’t know it was me.  I wonder how far he would have gone, had I not said anything.  Would he have made arrangements to fuck this woman?  Would he have ever let me in on the correspondence?  I screamed.  I cried.  I told him I wanted him out of the house by the end of the weekend.  I felt nothing for him.  The ice that he had melted from my cold heart had once again become an iceberg. 

Suddenly, the realization set in with him.  If he had to be out of the house…which is mine…that meant the boys would have to be out of the house.  No home…no neighborhood…no neighborhood friends.  What would the boys think?  What would his mother think?  What would his sister think?  He has finally got his life in order…wife, family, beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood, decent job…ALL GONE…POOF! 

It was his turn to cry.  He panicked.  He begged.  He said in time I would grow to trust and love him again.  I don’t think he cried and begged my forgiveness out of love for me…I think it was out of desperation.  He had to save the life he recently fell into.

Six months have passed.  Do I love him?  YES and NO.  Do I trust him?  NO.  That is why I have AT&T Family Map.  He has actually approached the idea of a threesome and/or soft swap again several times.  He said I could do all of the communicating…he would stay out of it.  I never felt comfortable or safe with the idea to start with.  It will never happen now, not with me.  I think he is crazy as hell to even toy with the idea.

I hate living like this.  I hate not having trust.  Separate checking accounts.  PIN’s to lock our smartphones.  Scrolling through the wireless bill for new/unknown phone numbers.  He keeps everything a secret…Facebook, email, whereabouts.  He doesn’t take his Wellbutrin…which is for his mood swings/temper.  He tells me that he does.  He has underestimated my ability to count. 

The ex-wife/mother of his boys cheated on him repeatedly.  His family hates her for this reason.  How could she be so shallow…how could she betray him so?  How well do they know their son/nephew/brother?

I’m done venting…for now.

In the past two years, I’ve gone from a size 24 to a size 6.  I’ve gone from single to married.  I’ve gone from mother of a 16 year old son to mother of a 16 year old son + full-time stepmom to 2 boys, ages 9 and 11.  As hard as I’ve tried, I will never be a true mother to them.  They have a mother…who lives 6 hours away.  To be honest, they are little shits and I’ve tried to force myself to love them and I have failed.  I love them as my husband’s kids…that’s it. 

My quiet, reclusive existence has been replaced by ballgames; dirt races (which I despise, for the record); cooking, cleaning, laundry, and more – for an army of men. 

We have a dog and a cat, both males.  I am the only bitch in this household.

There is no time for Pussy Galore…  My existence before was minimal, but I controlled it.  Now I only exist for others.  I have an occasional cup of coffee with an old friend on Saturday mornings…my social life.  I work 50+ hours a week for an organization I love; but a job that barely pays the bills.  

I do have my thoughts…they are my own and quietly exist in day-to-day life.  But here, they may SCREAM.